Dear Elite – Page 8 – The Raging Elitist

Parade

My old man has this joke about Jesus on his way to be executed. The telling pivots back and forth from increasingly animated descriptions of Jesus’s torment – the crown of thorns, the weight of the cross, the spitting and jeering of the crowd – to an imitation of Jesus stoically pressing on despite his…
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Schooled

Sometimes driving Cartter to school is a learning experience. This morning, for instance, I learned that Polar Bears have black fur underneath their white fur because it “attracts the sun.” “Why do they need white fur, then?” I asked. “So they blend in with the ice.” “Why do they need to blend in with the…
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Do As I Say – The 8 Keys To Quality Time with Your Two Young Boys

Danyelle and I have reached the point where our boys’ allegiance is more to each other than it is to either of us. They’ve realized that if they form a united front, enforcement of the rules is more difficult. When it’s time to go into the back for bedtime, they both become inert. When it’s…
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I’m Trying to be Good

Sitting at the dinner table listening to Scotty erupt into screams, I’m way beyond my last nerve. It should’ve been a good day – 70-degree weather in January, a stroll down to the old Pitt Street bridge stretching out into Charleston harbor, sitting on a park bench while the kids played amid centuries-old live oaks,…
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Losing at Full Speed

My neighbor has a way of looking at you like he’s surprised by everything you say. His normally elusive eye contact lingers a moment too long, his jaw hangs open, and he gives a half smile that hides anger in amusement. I’m not sure what I’ve done to earn a place that is so decidedly…
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Christmas Reflections

Christmas break is nostalgia’s imitation of real life, cherry-picked memories setting up expectations of holiday bliss. Its onset is like being a kid again, wishes all still intact, the time to see them come true seemingly infinite. Sitting in the carpool line waiting to pick up my seven-year-old on his last day of school, butterflies…
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Christmas is Hitting

Shopping Crowds, lines, salespeople, spending money; everything about Christmas shopping gives me anxiety. I remember my friend Matt getting me to go to the market with him when we were teens and thinking, “Why do you want to spend our time this way?” Of course, I was glad that I was my friend’s chosen company,…
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Turkey Dad

Thanksgiving Play Walking up the path toward the auditorium, a light mist of rain is falling, and I’m worried that Danyelle is going to make us go inside. It’s 7:30 in the morning. “I don’t wanna socialize,” I tell her. “It’s too early.” We’d arrived before the teachers opened the gates so that Cartter wouldn’t…
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Uncageable

It’s easy to miss the entrance to the vet’s parking lot even when it’s not dark outside. Somebody is riding my bumper, and there’s a stream of headlights coming at me from the opposite direction as I look for the lefthand turn off Chuck Dawley Blvd. Normally, Sammy would be whining and panting in the…
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Fucksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving is overrated as holiday greetings go. I’d take bah humbug any day over Happy Thanksgiving. Nobody expects anything in return for bah humbug. Maybe people don’t expect you to reciprocate their Happy Thanksgivings. Or maybe they do. Either way they’re glory hogs, and theirs is a cheap glory. If you really don’t expect…
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Category: Dear Elite