The Raging Elitist

Category: Dear Elite

Elf on the Shelf

Every night when I turn out the light in the hall, Cartter and Scotty yell a strange farewell to each other from their beds. I have no idea as to the origin or meaning of their nightly valediction; it rings defiant and silly through the darkness, emanating from their open doorways throughout the house and…
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Thanksgiving Break

At 8:30 on Saturday night, the last non-school night of Thanksgiving break, Scotty was startled and disappointed to learn his evening was coming to an end. He was sitting on the couch with his feet in a warm salt bath, about to have the dry skin scraped from his soles by his mother. “What!” he…
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Pace

Pace sets are as much an exercise in belief as they are an exact science. During my final two short course seasons as a swimmer, I tried to convince myself that the 2:06 200 breaststroke pace I practiced would manifest in a competition, but when meet day arrived, I never went under 2:10. A 13-year-old…
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Nelson

This ended up being one of the years that I dragged myself to the pumpkin patch with Danyelle and the boys. More often than not, I avoid the slow-moving stream of cars pulling into Boone Hall Farm, the march across the pitted lot to wait in line for admittance, and the minor sea of people…
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Motivation

I’ve heard some people referred to as “human dynamos” in regards to their ability to get things done. My mother is pure TNT. While she was in town caring for my sister after her neck surgery, she spurred me to investigate a new meet format that circumvents South Carolina Swimming’s sanctioning process. The General Chair…
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Protected: Recess

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Chewing Gum

Danyelle has gotten the kids addicted to taking evening walks in the neighborhood. She did it with chewing gum. At the mention of walking the dog after dinner, they each perk up and glide over to the little shelf with its stash of Orbit and Hubba Bubba and Trident. They do this almost methodically, as…
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Mr. Big Stuff

Early mornings, crosstown traffic, carpool lines – the start of the school year gives rise to a particular kind of irritation. The kids’ school is eager to assert its authority over me, sending an onslaught of instructions-laden emails, while on the swim team, the start of whose season coincides with the beginning of the school…
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Cartter is Lindsay Lohan?

Cartter’s only been playing guitar for a few months, and his early competence has been stunning. He already has a repertoire of a dozen or so songs, a couple of which he composed himself, the rest simple numbers by the likes of The White Stripes, Green Day, and Nirvana. He’s devoted to his craft. He’s…
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End of Summer Limbo

The boys’ summer break is almost over, and the family’s lack of routine has gotten to the point that Cartter and Scotty can’t remember what day it is anymore. They got up early on a Saturday and claimed they thought it was the first day of school. Another time we were making plans to go…
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